The Art of Hugging
|sigmund freud|wilhelm reich|hugging as therapy|the origin of humaniversity therapy|how to hug|why hugging?|basic needs|
“Analysis is the way of the mind, hugging is the way of the heart. The mind is the cause of all diseases, and the heart is the source of all healing.”
(from: The Wild Geese and the Water #4, 1981)
Man needs to be needed. It is one of the most fundamental needs of human beings. Unless one is cared for, one starts dying. Unless one feels that one is significant to somebody, at least to somebody, one’s whole life becomes insignificant. Hence love is the greatest therapy there is. The world needs therapy because the world is missing love. In a loving world no therapy will be needed at all; love will be enough, more than enough. Hugging is only a gesture of love, of warmth, of caring. The very feel of the warmth flowing from the other person melts many illnesses in you, melts the ice-like, cold ego. It makes you again a child.
The psychologists are now well aware of the fact that unless a child is hugged, kissed, he misses some nourishment. As the body needs food, the soul needs love. You can give to the child all the physical needs, all the physical comforts, but if hugging is missing, the child will not grow into a wholesome being. He will remain sad somewhere deep down, uncared for, neglected, ignored. He was nursed, but not mothered.
It has been observed that if a child is not hugged, he starts shrinking – he can even die – although everything else was provided for. As far as the body is concerned, every care was taken, but no love surrounded the child. He became isolated; he became disconnected from existence.
Love is our connection; love is our very root. As you breathe – for the body it is absolutely essential; stop breathing and you are no more – in the same way, love is the inner breath: the soul lives by loving.
Analysis won’t do it. Wit and clarity, knowledge and scholarship won’t do it. You can know all there is to know about therapy, you can become an expert, but if you don’t know the art of love, you remain only on the surface of the miracle of therapy.
The moment you start feeling for the patient, for the one who is suffering… out of a hundred cases, ninety people are suffering because they have not been loved. If you start feeling the need of the patient for love, and if you can fulfil the need; there will be an almost magical change in the condition of the patient.
The real psychoanalyst will not avoid getting deep into the interiority of the patient – he will take the risk. It is risky; it is going into troubled waters. You may be drowned yourself – after all, you are human! You may get into some trouble, complexity; you may create some problems for yourself, but that risk has to be taken.
If you are not afraid of your own repressions, you can help tremendously. If you are not afraid of your own unconscious, if you have solved your problems a little bit, you can help greatly by getting involved in the world of the patient, by becoming a participant rather than remaining an observer. In fact, because psychoanalysts are having their own problems, sometimes even more than the patient himself, one can understand Sigmund Freud’s fear. As far as I am concerned, I would like to make a categorical statement about it:
Only a Buddha can be a real therapist because he has no problems left. He can merge and melt into the patient; in fact, for him the patient is not the patient at all.
That’s the difference between the relationship that exists between a patient and his therapist and the relationship that exists between a disciple and a Master. The disciple is not a patient; the disciple is a beloved, a loved one. The Master is not an observer; he has become a participant. They have lost their separate identities; they have become one, and that oneness helps. Hugging is only a gesture of oneness – even the gesture helps. You are right; you ask:
It is, and it is only a gesture. If it is true – not only a gesture but if your heart is in it – it can be magical tool, it can be a miracle. It can transform the whole situation instantly.
A few things have to be understood about it. One is:
the idea that the child dies and the man becomes adolescent, then the adolescent dies and the man becomes young, then the young man dies and he becomes middle-aged, and so on and so forth, is wrong. The child never dies – nothing ever dies. The child is there, always is there, wrapped by other experiences – wrapped by adolescence, then by youth, then by middle age, then by old age – but the child is always there.
You are like an onion, layers upon layers, but if you peel the onion, soon you will find fresher layers inside. Go on deeper and you find more and more, fresher layers. The same is true about man: if you go deep into him, you will always find the innocent child – and to contact that innocent child is therapeutic.
Hugging gives you an immediate contact with the child.
If you hug somebody with warmth, love, if it is not an impotent gesture, if it is meaningful, significant, true, if your heart is flowing through it, immediately you come in contact with the child, with the innocent child. The innocent child surfacing even for a single moment makes a tremendous difference, because the innocence of the child is always healthy and whole; it is uncorrupted. You have reached to the innermost core of the person where no corruption has ever entered, you have reached to the virgin core, and making the virgin core throb again with life is enough.
You have started, triggered a process of healing.
When you love a person, verbal expressions are not enough; words are not enough; something more substantial is needed; words are only abstract. You have to do something! Hold the hand, hug the person, kiss the person, and embrace the person. It is going to help you both: if you can melt in the hug, you will feel both become again younger, fresher, livelier. That’s the whole process of healing.
(from: The Wild Geese and the Water #4, 1981)
Veeresh on the origin of Humaniversity Therapy
HOW TO HUG
You have to spread your feet to the width of your shoulders, and bend your knees. If you lock your pelvis, there is no feeling.
The best way to tell you how to hug is to tell you how not to hug. This comes from years of experience.
People that are frightened don’t let the other person feel because when the other person feels, they make you feel, so they crush the other’s back. They turn the other person off.
Then there is hugging without touching the pelvic area of the other person: Obviously there is something missing.
There are the cripples: “You support my back bone, because I have no power.”
A hug is like a hand in a glove. There is no tension and you are breathing together, and enjoying yourselves together. It’s supposed to be pleasurable. Pleasure emits a sound. If you feel pleasure, you go: “Yummy, yummy, goodie, goodie, aahh”. Pleasure sounds, that’s what we want from you.
There are four basic emotions: fear, anger, pain, and (the need for) love. These are also called “survival emotions”. Cf: “The Primal Sequence”: anger – hurt – need for love.
Fear and anger (“negative” emotions) are reactions to emotional pain, which is experienced on the denial of love. Veeresh stresses the importance of not getting caught up in the negativity. Rather, short-cut directly to the unfulfilled need: love. By expressing negativity (in sessions), space is created for love to happen. When a person learns to receive love (the first need) and to give love (the second need), he will experience self-love.
Some people have a right. When they grew up they never had any problems with their emotions, because their family was encouraging it all. Usually the family is not happy about your emotions, so they stop it, and then you have to come to a school like this to re-educate yourself on survival emotions.
A healthy human being can feel his anger, his pain, his fear and his love any given moment when he chooses to.
People generally don’t touch on their emotions. They are always on the surface. It doesn’t look good to be emotional; it is a sign of weakness. If you express your anger, you are not accepted. If you say you are hurt, people get shaken up. When you say, “I love you”, people get even more shaken up. When you cut you fear, anger, pain, and love off, all you can do is function. You become hostile. Then have to learn the basics again.
You have to experience that it is all right to be afraid and to experience it totally. If you go into your fear totally, you probably experience anger and rage. It is all right to feel anger and rage. If you go into that totally, you always get to pain. If you get into your pain totally, you always get to your basic need: love. There are external needs like food, sleep, air and shelter, and there are emotional needs. You have to fulfil these needs in order to survive emotionally as a person. If a baby doesn’t get stroked and loved, he doesn’t become a total person.
NUMBER ONE: you need to be loved. It has to come to you first. A little baby can’t do a dance in order to get love. It is helpless. You need love first. That is why we have families, so that they can give you that.
NUMBER TWO: You need to give love back.
NUMBER THREE: The process of receiving love, giving love, receiving love, giving love, gives you self-love. Not self-hatred, not self-destruction, but self- LOVE. You become a lovable person.
Those are the three emotional needs. Of course you need a car, and all the other external things, but if those emotional needs are not fulfilled, you don’t become a complete human being.
Some people need to take all the time. Then later on, maybe they come around to give. Some people like to give, and they don’t want to take. The balance of taking, giving, giving, taking, gives you self-love.
That is why we encourage you to hug, we encourage you to date, we encourage you to experiment, so that you can fulfil these basic emotional needs, to be loved, to give love, and to feel self-love. Then one day you will be able to stand up and say, “I am lovable, and God is lucky that I am on his earth!”
PS: This info I adapted from what is sent to me by my sister. Hey DJ! Thanks a lot! As I found it quite interesting, so I decided to post them here. To the authors (whether you are still alive or not, thank you for the share of knowledge). Somehow there are something or words that I don’t agree upon with, but that will be another story (ouww..nevermind about that…)